“The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that is coming”

Seven months ago I had one of my lowest emotional points in my twenty years of living. In a short span of two days began a seemingly never ending crying spree. Here I was having just returned home in May from university where I had a ROUGH second year. I thought being home would’ve been the hard reset I needed, but life had other plans. On the 8th of June I found out my then boyfriend (ldr) had a whole other girlfriend, couldn’t hold my man so my man get take lmbooo talk bout belly breakdan!, or maybe I was the other one.

Sigh lol. The following day I unxpectedly lost a cousin who was only a year older than me. Ya girl could not catch a break! In these moments I felt like life was continuously throwing curve balls at me, like what next? In the midst of my sadness, I also found myself at a place of uncertainty in my calling and in my career choice. 

Despite going through all of this, ironically to others I appeared unfazed, no one knew how many times my mind reeled as it tried to comprehend the play out of both events. In fact, I still can’t wrap my head around the thought that my cousin is no longer with us.

There were many nights I spent crying out to God asking for direction and seeking comfort, spilling my heart out to Him, telling Him exactly how I felt about the betrayal, my anger, confusion, bitterness and most of all hurt. Those nights with God brought a comfort that words can’t explain, it was as if in these moments He came down and wrapped His arms around me. There were nights where words failed me in prayer, but God read my tear spilled pillowcase as if it had been written in the neatest handwriting, gospel music became my lullaby and my go-to song was “No Bondage” by Osby Berry.

These events forced a process of deep self-introspection, isolation, I joined the men are trash movement, Jhené Aiko and Beyonce were on repeat, but also trap/rap music to remember who I was, a G!, full post breakup package! Special mention Jhene Aiko ‘Triggered’. Only thing ine do is post the focusing on myself quotes, yall know them.

So how am I now? I’m the happiest I’ve been in a while and at such peace with life that I know it only could’ve been brought about by God. I can laugh looking back now. My tears were simply providing my harvest with the water it needed to grow. There were so many lessons to be learnt from the hurt I experienced, God was able to birth something beautiful from something so uncomfortable. I’ve rediscovered what it means to be me, a clear vision of what I want, learnt what it means to really lean on Him and not to my own understanding, strengthened my relationship with Him, and discovered my purpose. She’s focused, she’s going places, she’s realigned. 

If you’re currently in a dark place I want you to know there’s no place too dark where light can’t shine through. Emotional pits have a way of clouding our perspectives on life, but where there is life there is hope. Our darkness ironically sheds light to what we’re capable of, what we’re made of. It forces you to dig deeper and pull out what was lying dormant. Life’s always gone be lifey sometimes, but that don’t mean give up. Regroup, analyze your deck, pray for direction and make the play. “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith Jehovah, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬  ‭It may seem as if there’s no way out, but every pain, every misfortune has an expiration date, you just have to push through to get to joy on the other side. Be encouraged “the pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that is coming” Romans 8:18

Xoxo

From my heart to yours,